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The need to feel free and alive

Mar. 9th, 2011 | 10:46 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful

i don't regret never living it up or knowing what it would be like to be a carefree teenager and college student. that wasn't me and it wasn't the life i was given. carefree was a luxury i didn't have, but as a result i am where i am today and have accomplished so much in spite of my upbringing and where i come from, and i am very, very proud of it and all i have done.

Still.....there are times when i watch music videos like aerosmith's crazy and see how free liv tyler and alicia silverstone seem. yes it is just a video, but that feeling of being tied down to nothing, is something i dont think i will ever know. i love my life too much to let go all my responsibilities that i have worked so hard to have for a fleeting moment that would probably have negative repercussions as well. many people look back on that time in their lives and wish they could go back, i dont have that to look back to because it just wasn't who i was or who i am.

Still.....watching other people live carefree and seeing that expression on their face is something i may always long to know.....

its just not worth it though.

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I've been me, following my dreams

Mar. 6th, 2011 | 08:39 pm
mood: creativecreative

I had turned 25 a week ago, and i look back on my life and really and am amazed at where i am and who i am today. 2 years ago i had been getting sick and didn't know what it was, just moved into the parker house with nick and roommates, and never would of thought we would have a home together 2 years later and having some of my closet friends life in the same city, finally. Every year life is changing more and more, and sometimes i just want to press pause and actual stop and let life sink in. So much has happened and happened fast. This past year alone my sister had a beautiful baby boy and my grandfather had past away. I picked out my engagement ring but still not engaged, and I finally have a graduation date and am on the verge of being a teacher. I don't know what the next 5 years hold, and i dont even want to take a guess. my life right now you could predict where it is going to be in 5 years, but i know better then that. Life is always changing in ways that we never thought it would so betting on a job, marriage and kids in the next 5 years is more of a hope and dream then what may really happen. No one really knows what life has in store for them. What i do know is who i am and how strong i am. i can take whatever life has to offer and i will keep working towards the things i dream of regardless of what happens. i am a fighter, illness, death, heartbreak, nothing stops me and as long as i remain true to myself, life will always be a journey that i will embrace.

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poem (sorta)

May. 9th, 2010 | 10:11 pm

Art
By Charlene Rodegher

I have perfected being able to put every strand of hair in place,
And always greet people with a smile and kind words.
My life was going to appear to be untainted,
And by looking at me you would never suspect otherwise.
It’s an art.

You could dampen my hair and see all the unruly curls
And not the pin straight hair that takes two hours to perfect.
You could strip me of my cloths and see the long jagged scar,
Below my naval along with the dark, purple circles on my thighs and arms.
This you cannot see as I greet you at the counter.
It’s an art.

You couldn’t see that there are days,
Days when I am seeing double and my walk is that of a drunk.
There are days that you could place your hand on mine
And I would never even feel it.
I can never tell what day will be one of these days.

Its an Art to hide your secrets and all your scars.
Its an Art to be as perfect as you can be, regardless
Of all that is underneath.

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i thought i was jealous

Apr. 11th, 2010 | 12:05 am

for the past week its been all i been thinking about and i been having weird dreams about children. so when i get the news today all that just seemed to make more sense. i look at her and i kept saying to myself, "why not me? why do i get MS and she gets to have the baby?" i know its stupid but i feel like its just not fair. i also know if i really wanted one its not hard to do. i have things that i need in my life before i could ever bring a life into this world. from where i came from i dont ever want a child of mine to come into that kind of world. i will do everything in my power to prevent that. so i know that the whole jealousy thing is stupid and that she has a tough road ahead of her, but i have no doubt that she will succeed and shock everyone. this child will change a lot things but i believe they will all be for the better. i don't know if i could do that and have a child without all those things im waiting to have before hand. well she is gonna do it, and i admire her to no end. i'm scared for her, and i know how scared she must be, and i wish i could make it easier for her but i can't. this is her path and only she can take it on her own. i have so many thoughts and concerns in my head, but my faith is so strong right now that i know, I KNOW it will all fall into place and it will be a true blessing. for all of us.

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I miss my livejournal

Apr. 6th, 2010 | 07:55 pm

So much has happened since i last posted and i find myself feeling like each day i need to try and achieve as much as possible because i don't know what the future has in store for me. I have become even more anxious then i used to be, and today in the neurologists office there was a lady talking to me about MS, she was 48 and has it also. She walked with a cane and looked like she struggled to move. Granted shes 48 and when she was diagnosed they didnt have the meds they do now, and no one case is the same. just with this heat this week i been feeling dizzy again and nauseous. It scares me because i fear another attack is right around the corner and i just don't have the time for it! of course nobody does, its just a huge inconvenience that tries to keep from my goals. it didn't stop me then i dont intend to let it stop me in the future. I just get scared. it will be a year in august since i found out so im hoping by then i would have gotten used to this and get over it. I gained so much weight just because im too scared to run on the dang treadmill! im gonna get so fat ill have to suck it up and take charge. it seems like once i conquer being scared of one thing, a new fear comes into play. that's life though.

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Writer's Block: Change is good

Nov. 4th, 2009 | 08:19 pm

If you could change one major thing about your life, whether a relationship, your job, your living situation, your school, etc., what would it be? Are you currently working toward a serious life transition?


change is not good and i hate it. even if it is good changes i still hate the transition. honestly i don't know what i would change. i love my job, school, friends, boyfriend etc. i guess part of me wishes i had more courage to take risks and be more impulsive. i play it safe way too often.

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I'd come for you

Oct. 13th, 2009 | 09:49 pm
mood: artisticartistic

gosh how i love rock ballads! today has just been a good day and its all thanks to awesome music that describes the kind of love that i dream of and believe in. the funny part is its all an illusion in my head, but hey, it makes great songs! the devotion someone has to another and how they would do anything to prove their love. it's funny how when love is tested is when it all comes to the surface of how much you and how deeply you love someone. to love someone so much that you dont even entertain the thought of a life without them because the excruciating pain that would occur you know would destroy you. love is happiness and pain. its how you know its real, and what makes you feel alive.

enough of my little rant, nick jus came in and scared the crap out of me!

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nothing like writing out your cabalities

Jul. 23rd, 2009 | 09:56 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful

i should have worked on my resumes like two months ago. i noticed by writing them i'm just listing the things i can do and its a huge ego boost. i'm the type of person who gains confidence from what they know and can do, and compliments of beauty just never do nothing for me. so when i got a call from the michigan humane society today after i only sent in my resume last night made me feel so damn good. so now tonight i intend on applying for more jobs as well. just the process of job hunting is making feel confident. now if only i was confident to do something about my writing.... but one day. i think i have many more writing classes i need to take before get the balls for that one. i know i'll be able to go upnorth and actually relax and enjoy myself knowing that my life truly is what i make of it and i intend to do just that.

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true strength

Jun. 15th, 2009 | 06:50 pm
mood: gratefulgrateful

well i did it. i took the first step to not allowing others to rule with fear over me. as long as i can remember i was always hiding and cowering from someone yelling and who terrified me. spent pretty much all my life being afraid. i guess i just had it. was done with it. done carrying shit around with me, done with not having total control over my life. just done. so i faced my fears. i should feel awesome. i should feel proud. i should feel strong. but i don't. i don't feel any of these things. with people who really know me looking at me in awe doesnt feel right. im disgusted with myself more then anything. disgusted i wasted so many years being afraid. disgusted i couldn't have done it sooner. then, here is my lil sis who has been through hell as well but has never seemed to let fear stop her or control her her entire life. she has always done what she needed to for her, and nobody could ever inflict that kind of fear in her. what kind of older sister am i to look up too when all i do is hide? she is the strongest person i know. yesturday was her one year and i cried and cried. i am so damn proud of her. mary spoke and i started weeping, then my sister stood up to speak and i was gone. i dont know if i will ever be tested as much as she was and is, but i do pray that if and when i am, i have at least some of that inner strength she contains within.

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the safe card

Jun. 4th, 2009 | 12:20 am
mood: confusedconfused

when i was in high school i witnessed how badly stupid mistakes and acting spontaneous could really mess up one's life and the lives around them. i've known this since i was five. It's the root of why i have done and have not done things in my past and still to this day. I would have liked to believe that when i was younger i would have liked to think when i was 23 the answers to living an exciting life where i didnt know what was going to happen would have come to me. i still do what i'm expected. no one has told me what to do and no one is sitting there providing me with an instruction manual, but at his point i know whats right and i know whats wrong. that's how i've always lived. i wasn't happy when i was 17 and i'm not completely sure i'm happy now. i'm told i enjoy being miserable and that i'm not a happy person. those people's opinions though are based on the fact that they would rather not deal with my problem or help in any way. not that i need their help. no one can help but myself. it is the little things in life that have always made me happiest, but now i fear i'm becoming materialistic and that is not the person i want to be. ever. my mom and my sister are horribly obsessed with money and what a guy can do for you. i want to know what i can do for myself. instead, i hide away. i hide away from the world my gifts and talents for fear of really being seen and exposed. i dont even care if im accepted or not, its just the fact that i will be naked. they will see through my happy exterior, and innocent facade and realize there maybe a much darker and human side to me. a side i dont know if i want others to know. again, playing the safe card. i like to think years from now i will have submitted something or used what i was given and put myself out into the world. but then again, i thought by the time i was 23 i would have found that courage. will i always live my life out of fear? scared of everything that could possibly erase all i've accomplished?

or is that exactly what i need.

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